continued from another post...

(A TASTE OF HER OWN MEDICINE...)

but honestly i know my mom doesn't do it on purpose... and it really is mainly my issue that i am struggling with... rejection, never being good enough...
i want my kids to really love me and look up to me, not just hurt the people they once chose over me... but if it really is as they say, that it's a phase, and they come back around, then i just need to be patient...
but i get these crazy fears that (because) there is this need in all children for a 'mommy' (and) with my mom around, she gets all her 'mommy' fixes from her, and doesn't need me at all... i am just the meany that tells her no all the time... i fear that this is what our relationship has or is turning into, and whatever i do to try to fix it blows up in my face...

it's really discouraging that adora can't bring herself to just sit and enjoy ME whenever my mom is around... she even calls her 'mom' not grammy, and if i interupt them in anyway, no matter what they're doing, she gets so mad at me... and i'm sorry but it just hurts... and i want to be mean and mad back...

ed says this is very childish of me, and will only do more harm than good, which i know is true but it is so hard...

how do you reason with a child?

the truth is i can't make her love me any more than anyone can make anyone love them... and i wonder if she senses how desperate i am for her affection and that is why she refuses

ahhh!!! i'm going crazy!!! it's possibly the hardest thing i have ever had to deal with...

i think it would be easier if it were simply just a phase (and it was obvious), where family life were as usual, except that maybe she just said no to me a little more, and wanted my attention a little less... but as long as there is someone else (like gramma) around, to not only 'fill the void' in her, if there is one, but to rub it in that she is in fact quite capable of loving, just not me, than it makes it really hard for me to believe that it is just a phase, and that she will come around and she does in fact love me..
and the worst is that i really wanted us all to live together... but now i am not so sure that i can take it... i just want to be back in our own house, with our own rules and routines, and even if she still pushes me away, at least i wont have to witness her openly accepting another.. it is like betrayal... like a lover cheating.. that's not quite it, but it is near as wounding... and i start to think that maybe once we do get back to having our own space (if we ever do), then she really will love me again...